Government to introduce Ghost Tax

The government have announced this morning they are to introduce a new ghost tax. The idea came about during a "lock in" at the Dail Bar last night, with senior officials believing that taxing the paranormal is one way of keeping the Troika happy, with as little pain and as much fairness to Ireland's next 10 generations.

In a report leaked earlier today, from a committee yet to be set up, at a cost of €25 million, it is estimated there are over 100 million ghosts living in attics and basements around the county and although you may not have seen one it is most likely you have at least two ghosts living in your home.

An invisible state of the art ghost extractor will fly over the country this weekend removing all ghosts from premises and householders will be charged accordingly. In Order for the Ghost tax to be fair and equitable homeowners will only be taxed for ghosts removed from their homes. In this regard it is essential that people trust their elected representatives to send the correct bill to all households.  

Households most likely to have ghosts are PAYE workers, those on Social Welfare and pensioners as Senior Paranormal experts have indicated ghosts are attracted to Goodfellas Pizza, Dutch Gold, The Voice of Ireland and Daithi O'Shea.

Those least likely to be effected are the wealthy and TD's as it has been proven (contrary to common belief) that ghosts are afraid of stately homes and mansions and that skeletons in closets are not as a matter of fact, ghosts and therefore cannot be taxed under the emergency legislation.

Homeowners can register their number of ghosts on a website that doesn't work and pay the fee accordingly. Failure to register or declaring an incorrect amount of ghosts will incur penalties of up to €1,000.000 and 700 years in jail and upon your death you will automatically be classified as a ghost and your family will be charged your ghost tax plus a small €50,000.00 administration fee.

Yearly charges will be imposed and paid to Germany to store the ghosts. We will all have to take the pain on this one but the annual storage fee is so much cheaper than storing them ourselves (say in Dunsink Rubbish Tip) having the ghosts escape and then needing to pay the Ghostbusters or Scooby Doo to round them all up.

After tonight's "lock in" session of port and brandy expect more Social Charges to be announced tomorrow. My money is on a reincarnation tax where you will be charged for taxes you owe from a previous existence.