Carlsberg don't do the Euros but if they did.....

So around this time last year Euro 2016 kicked off and Ireland were preparing for their first game against Sweden. The game was to be played on a Monday at 5.00 pm Irish time and that morning an optimistic mood filled the nation, the likes we had not seen since Italia 90. Sure we couldn't do any worse than 2012, could we? There was alot less traffic on the road this morning and alot more people availing of public transport including the oft unreliable 142 bus which takes me to work each day. As our bus stop is the last before the bus hits the motorway and next stop the Point (3 arena me hole) we were all a little pissed when the bus drove straight past, absolutely jammers. When you get the same bus every day you get to know the faces and say hello or nod or acknowledge the same folk and the talk turned to the bus newbies coming over here taking our bus seats and how we would still be there tomorrow when they were back in their cars, however our sense of self entitlement was cut short when another 142 arrived only half full. Seems like Dublin Bus had the foresight to realise that the best place to watch the big game was on the big screen and that most people would be leaving the car at home. Luckily I managed to get a seat upstairs in front of 2 newbie buswankers (as opposed to me a veteran buswanker) both wearing Ireland jerseys and being new to the bus had difficulty finding their bus voices, speaking so loudly that the bus ahead of them could hear their conversation. Anyway Buswanker 1  is telling Buswanker 2 how he told "his mot" that he was working til 6 that night so would probably pop into the pub for the last 20 minutes of the match. When Buswanker 2 asks what time he is actually finishing at, he says about 2.00, I took a halfer, the whole of the bus (upstairs and down) lets out a big cheers and a chorus of ole, ole, ole, breaks out with the bus driver joining in by beeping his horn along to the singing. It's gonna be a special day,

So anyway I get to work and all the talk is about the game, what the team should be, what formation we should play, is Ibrahimovic actually that good and does he need to be man marked or should we just play our own game, but far more importantly who is watching it where, who is bunking out early, and who is gonna be stuck minding the fort. There's lots of options stay local (city centre) take the halfer and head for home or sample a proper match atmosphere at the official fan zone, but me.... I will be watching the game with me dad who is infirmed in Beaumont Hospital til they can sort out an infection by way and endless supply of drip fed antibiotics. The folks in work are feeling bad for me cause I don't get to go to he pub, but me, I'm quite looking forward to watching it with the da and on the plus side because I was going to the hospital I got first call on bunk out and get to leave work around 3.30, leaving making a mental note to do a buswanker 1 and say I was going to hospital for the next game, even if I was going to the pub. 

Half of Dublin must be "going to hospital" as the quays from Smithfield to Eden Quay are awash with people in green jerseys and one large pocket of yellow on the boardwalk but there is a party going on and the greens and yellow mingle and trade songs with each other listening respectfully then everybody cheering at the end of the songs. I don't know any of the yellow songs and the greens dont seem to know the words to their own songs, but nobody seems to care too much. My 10 minute walk seems to be taking a little longer as I soak up the atmosphere but reckon I better get a move on if I am to make the 27B to the hospital, Both sets of fans must know I'm shooting off and tempt me to stay with the worst (and strangely enough) the best rendition of Molly Malone ever. I manage to get the bus at 15.50 (for a 45 minute journey) and then have to make my way to the ward on the 5th floor so reckon I should be there in time for the anthems but due to lack of traffic (sure everyone is in the pub) the bus takes about 20 minutes and I'm in front of the screen by 4.30. There was a party atmosphere in the hospital too, beds were pulled from the wall so patients could get a better view of the telly, visiting time is usually 6 - 8 but this is relaxed for the day that is in it and the 2 person visiting rule which is very rarely enforced in any event is going to be overlooked It feels like the day the teacher decided that its so nice that we will have lessons outside today or the time Andy played the Marriage of Figaro over the intercom in The Shawshank Redemption. In any event it just didn't seem like the same St. Peter;s ward I had visited the evening before.

So anyway in the ward there is, the da, a lady beside us not to fussed with the football, another aul lad asleep who "didn't give a fuck about football" two other people who had gone out for the day (to watch the football) and Ireland's greatest football fan, a lad in his late 50s with an Ireland jersey on scarf, green sponge top hat 2 shake your shamrocks and a must for any footie fan a Euro 2016 wall chart on the wall beside him. I engage him in conversation, much to the annoyance of me da who tells me on the sly he is a headwrecker and has been talking shite about the football all day and how he probably never seen a real football match in his life. Captain football had told me he was expecting a few friends in to watch the game but at this stage he is getting a little anxious as it it 10 minutes to kick off and his friends have still not arrived. No need to worry though as a 3 man conga line (actual conga line) with the combined ago of around 180 and a combined alcohol count of a city centre hostelry on St. Patrick's Day rock in 5 minutes before kick off, to a very disjointed singing of ole ole ole (its the same word over... how hard can in be???)

So the first half passes without incident or so we are lead to believe as we are watching the game on a tiny screen which for some reason is chained to a tv stand, bolted to the ceiling, seriously you couldn't give this yoke away, but were enjoying it in any event. We are particularly enjoying one of the conga men who despite not having much of an idea what is going on (and not just with the football) is giving his running commentary on the game. "Is that a new Ireland jersey?  whose that Hendrick lad? them Sweden are shite aren't they? I don't know how were not 10 nil up. When is he bringing Robbie Keane on? Is he playing in America now? Remember he play for AC Milan, or was it Inter? it was one of the Milans probably Juventus....or that crowd Gazza played for. The second half kicks off and within minutes we are one up when a Wes Hoolihan belter finds it way into the back of the net, "wild" celebrations ensue followed by I told you we will win 10 nil. Shoulda went to the bookies. Just as well he didn't coz 15 minutes later conga would have done his money as Ciaran Clark puts through his own net ruining his 10 nil prediction. The game petered out with both sides apparently happy to take a point and as the full time whistle blows we prepare for congas post match analysis. 

However congas aftermatch contribution was a mere 7 words (and I quote) right that's me, I'm off, mind yourself. I'm guessing they drew the short straw and had to forgo the pub to watch the game with their friend, and watch the game they would, but he can be fucked if they are wasting any more pub time on apres match no matter how gas it is. Captain football seems resigned to his fate but is thankful to the lads for giving up their early evening to watch the game with him.  I engage Captain football again, and yet again much to the annoyance of my dad, and after a brief conversation about how gas it is that my name is "George like your da" he informes me another friend is on the way in, (I'm guessing he lost the second sweepstake). His friend duly arrives (just as I'm pushing my da's bed back to its proper place, smelling like a small brewery but is a pleasant fellah and says hello to everyone in the ward individually. After doing the rounds football friend asks captain football if he enjoyed the match and it all kicks off. Captain Football goes off on one like a man possessed. 

Enjoy the match. How the fuck could I enjoy the fuckin match, look at the size of that fuckin telly and look how far away from it I am, and how could you enjoy the match with them three shites they never shut up once and they know fuck all about football between the three of them... do you want a fucking grape or, or what even are these things??? Peaches? What the fuck am I going to do with peaches? NURSE... NURSE (enter nurse rapidly) Nurse will you fuck this lot in the bin, them three gobshites brought them in for me.. grapes and oranges and peaches.. lookit.... what I am going to do with them, fuck them in the bin for me will ya, 

I'm getting really pised with him at this stage and  have to admit to the da that he was right (as always) and that yer man was a right pain in the arse. Now him getting one up on me is normally the highlight of his day but what happened next was the highlight of all the time we ever shared in hospital. "Does he ever give it up? I asked him and his reply was .. "Someone would want to tell Georgie Burgess to shut the fuck up and go make some chips" Now I started laughing straight away but it took him a second to realise what he had just said and his face lit up with that mischievous grin of his, which quickly turned into a bit of a snigger and then into a full belly laugh. We were laughing so hard I had to pull the curtain around us, coz we reckoned Captain football knew we were laughing at him.  We hid and laughed like a couple of bold school kids for about 5 minutes before a nurse stuck her head in between the curtains to see if we were ok and that just started us off again. It must have took us a full 20 minutes to calm down, It was only when we finally calmed down that I realised I had borrowed a phone charger from Captain football and we spent another half hour laughing as da dared me to give it back..... without laughing. It was one of those days when I didn't want to leave but once he fell asleep, tuckered out from the laughing I said goodbye to Captain football and left.

Sometimes it's not the size of the telly, or the coolness of the beer or the rubbishness of the football.....but the company that you keep. Carlsberg don't do the Euros but if they did........

10 of the best, or the worst.. Just 10

So I got nominated to name 10 albums which have had a lasting impression on my life.
These are not necessarily the best 10 albums in the world, or in any particular order or even my 10 favorite albums of all time but you know what if you have a spare few hours you could do worse to check these out. Crank the volume up and at worst you will piss of the neighbors,

 

 

PREMIER LEAGUE POLITICS

The upcoming elections can be confusing to us football fans so here's my Premier League Guide to the Elections. Hope is helps.

Led by the pantomime villain, who is quick to condemn all before him and their tactics while defending his own. Yet to fulfil their promise, massively underachieving, yet its everybody else's fault but theirs. Fondness of laying the blame on those who came before him in an attempt to hide his own tactical ineptitude. He thinks hes the chosen one but we all know he is just the puppet for his evil European master who pulls the strings, makes the important decisions and controls the coffers. Spends many a press conference, defending his rubbish tactics, attacking fellow managers and denying he is falling way short of the mark. Loyal supporters hold him in such high regard and see him as the way forward whereas he is buying time until he earns himself a lucrative cushy number somewhere in Europe.

FINE GAEL ARE

Next up we have

Labour are lead by the one person who couldn't predict Tuesday morning on Monday evening. Thrust into the limelight with the change to lead at their most powerful, somehow Labour's chosen one turns out to be as successful as the chosen one at the last song of the last slow set in Coppers, seemed like the real deal at the time but in hindsight..... Its hard to explain how the same team which propelled Labour to greatness, fell apart so quickly and fell away with a whimper leaving even the most loyal supporters disgruntled. Rumours of internal upheaval and a team revolt are rife. Obviously in need of rebuilding, starting at the top, it make take a number of years to return to the glory days.

LABOUR ARE

Following on are

The party have a set of beliefs which don't work, but by God are they going to stick with them no matter what. The leader tries to disguise the fact they have been using the same tactics for a number of years now with little or no success. Having been in the wilderness for years now any little victory is celebrated wildly although the glory days are long gone and there is no chance in high heaven of them returning despite the protestations of the gaffer. Happy to saunter along and make the occasional unsuccessful foray into Europe, Fianna Fail a party with little backbone or will to fight when the going gets tough. Fortunately for them their chief protagonists have been performing miserably too allowing the party to hang onto the coattails of greatness while never really looking like or having the desire to get back to the top of the mountain.

FIANNA FAIL ARE

Then there's

With a leader from Northern Ireland and a a tenancy to stick to stringently to their belief Sinn Fein have become a serious contender for the title. Nobody saw them coming but one thing is for sure they are a real force and not to be taken lightly. Buoyed on by fanatical supporters it is likely they will fall jut short of the big prize but realistically they were always going to be happy with silver medals and a triumphant return to Europe. With a mix of experience and youth, they look like the real deal, but  word of caution, now that your up there, you are there to be shot down. Can they handle the pressure? Looking likely to build on the groundwork put in and the experience of the staff in the boot room. Not everybody's cup of tea but there wasn't a person outside of Chelsea who took and pleasure in their recent reversal. This year Sinn Fein were everybody's second team even if alot of people would not be seen dead admitting it in public. Punching above their weight although its not actually that much of a surprise that they do

SINN FEIN ARE

I suppose we better mention

Who? Oh them. Are they still around? Who' in charge of them now? I forgot all about them. Do you remember when they used to be good. Everybody's not so guilty pleasure back in the day yet today nobody will ever admit to being a fan. They still have their own band of disillusioned fans who believe the glory days can and will return however the management have made so many bad decisions, effectively ruining the party. Its lucky they are more than half way down the Swanee at the minute so they will have less of a fall from grace. The party most likely to implode. The only reason people even bother with them now is to see them get another hammering, Nobody would care or even notice if they disappeared tomorrow.

THE GREEN PARTY ARE

And last bit not least we have

What a fine and talented bunch of individuals the independents are. It's hard to believe that just a short few years ago they were playing in the second division, with the odd superstar like a Tony Gregory but on the whole an average bunch trying to make a living. Starting to make inroads in Europe and the bookies favourites and likely winners for the locals, the tide had turned in the past 5 years. With such a multitude to choose from it may be difficult to decide on the best starting line up and picking your team isn't going to be easy. With so much talent there is no doubt there will be casualties who have to watch on from the sidelines and wait for their day to shine, which no doubt will come around again. Not everybody's first choice but everybody would rather the flair and panache to the backs to the wall defend our tactics at all costs.

THE INDEPENDENTS ARE

So to sum up the election results should reflect the Premier League Table 2014

Government to introduce Ghost Tax

The government have announced this morning they are to introduce a new ghost tax. The idea came about during a "lock in" at the Dail Bar last night, with senior officials believing that taxing the paranormal is one way of keeping the Troika happy, with as little pain and as much fairness to Ireland's next 10 generations.

In a report leaked earlier today, from a committee yet to be set up, at a cost of €25 million, it is estimated there are over 100 million ghosts living in attics and basements around the county and although you may not have seen one it is most likely you have at least two ghosts living in your home.

An invisible state of the art ghost extractor will fly over the country this weekend removing all ghosts from premises and householders will be charged accordingly. In Order for the Ghost tax to be fair and equitable homeowners will only be taxed for ghosts removed from their homes. In this regard it is essential that people trust their elected representatives to send the correct bill to all households.  

Households most likely to have ghosts are PAYE workers, those on Social Welfare and pensioners as Senior Paranormal experts have indicated ghosts are attracted to Goodfellas Pizza, Dutch Gold, The Voice of Ireland and Daithi O'Shea.

Those least likely to be effected are the wealthy and TD's as it has been proven (contrary to common belief) that ghosts are afraid of stately homes and mansions and that skeletons in closets are not as a matter of fact, ghosts and therefore cannot be taxed under the emergency legislation.

Homeowners can register their number of ghosts on a website that doesn't work and pay the fee accordingly. Failure to register or declaring an incorrect amount of ghosts will incur penalties of up to €1,000.000 and 700 years in jail and upon your death you will automatically be classified as a ghost and your family will be charged your ghost tax plus a small €50,000.00 administration fee.

Yearly charges will be imposed and paid to Germany to store the ghosts. We will all have to take the pain on this one but the annual storage fee is so much cheaper than storing them ourselves (say in Dunsink Rubbish Tip) having the ghosts escape and then needing to pay the Ghostbusters or Scooby Doo to round them all up.

After tonight's "lock in" session of port and brandy expect more Social Charges to be announced tomorrow. My money is on a reincarnation tax where you will be charged for taxes you owe from a previous existence. 

Speculate to accumalate

With the Government telling us that tough decisions have to be made and that we all have to take some pain, when it comes to the Country's finances my question to the Taoiseach and Minister for Finance is do we?

What if we lived in a county where negative equity was a thing of the past, everybody had medical insurance and home helps and care assistants were a given?

No I'm no supposed dickhead economist who would suggest investing children s allowance money in bank shares or investing in the Bulgarian property market, but I reckon I have an idea that would have us all sorted within the year leaving only the greedy, stupid or just downright idiotic behind.

Now this might sound absolutely ridiculous to many but so does paying billions in unsecured bonds to the fat cats.

My idea is that the Irish Government give to every man, woman and child, in this country the sum of €1 million each. There I said it and you think I'm crazy, but there would have to be a few provisions to you getting your money.

1. Every person would have to set up a brand new bank account into which the money would be paid. Each bank account would cost €50.00 to set up and this sum would be taken from your €1 million when it is deposited into your account.

2. There would be no interest paid on your account. But sure your getting a free million so what;s the harm.

3. You have to spend your million by the end of 2013.

4. You can only spend your money on Irish goods or services or buy foreign goods from Irish companies.

5. At the end of 2013 all accounts will be closed and all remaining funds go back into the exchequer's central fund.



With a population of 4.5 million the cost of making everybody a millionaire would around 4.5 billion smackeroos.

The banks would receive a cool €225 million just for setting the accounts up and a tiny proportion of this could be paid to the number of new employees taken on to manage these accounts.

Every person with  mortgage will be entitled to pay of their mortgage's off from their new bank account.

Any person who does not own a property will be entitled to buy a property from their new bank account.

Any person will be entitled to purchase  brand new car from their new bank account.

Any person can purchase holiday's within Ireland or pay to bring loved ones (or not so loved family and friends) home for holidays or for up to the end of the year.

Any person can purchase medical insurance for 7 years but not life insurance from their new bank account.

Any person can go out for meals, drinks, live entertainment from their new bank account.

Any person can buy household goods, or luxury items from their new bank account.

Any person with special needs or incapacity to spend their own money for medical reasons can appoint a family member, guardian to spend the money on their behalf (and only on their behalf) on medical equipment  special need assistants or home helps and contracts can be put in place for up to 7 years.

Children may appoint a parent to look after their money and can be used to set up scholarships, for private tuition, to pay private or public school fees or college fees going forward (which would be lost if the child did not go to college). Food, light and heat can be paid from the child's account also so no child will every be cold or hungry again, but even more importantly Christmas presents for 2013 could be bought from the child's account.

All purchases of goods and services would come directly from bank accounts and all taxes would be paid directly into the central fund.

For the year all Social Welfare payments will be suspended as will any tax relief on wages.

Anybody who died during the year, there bank account dies with them, but funeral expenses can be paid from their account.



Can you imagine this time next year everybody being able to say they own their own home, not having to worry about the health requirements for their families, or schooling needs going forward. Imagine the end of ghost estates, the construction industry back up running, new roads and services. Reduced unemployment, decrease in class sizes, increase in home help. Increases revenues from motor tax, income tax, VAT and PAYE, an introduction of a fair and equitable property tax.

Admittedly, we wouldn't be out of the woods but this is the kind of pain of recession I could live with.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

G!

The Voice of Ireland

So RTE start their new "talent" show tonight to replace 'Ireland's Got Talent'. Can't wait to not watch it.
It's been advertised as a competition based entirely on vocal ability with the judges not getting to see the contestants until after they have heard them and on this basis put them through or kick them out.
So all in all its deffo not going to be a cheesy X-Factor style show and we can expect the best vocal talent in Ireland.... or can we.......

I'm amazed that for a singing contest based entirely on vocal ability that with your application you had to enclose two photographs, one headshot and a full length shot.... WHY??? It's a singing contest. Would it have anything at all to do with the pre-selection process? Surely to make it completely fair, any first round auditions could have been done over the phone?
Also I was surprised to hear of auditions for dancers for the live shows in March this year. So now its a singing and dancing competition.
Your judges Cian, from Westlife, One of the Corr Sisters, Brian Kennedy, and Bressie former Blizzard have said that only the best will go through and only those who deserve to be there will be.
Saying that my money is on a Janet Devlin type young wan, a 40 something for who this is a life changing experience, another doing it for a dead relative, who is looking down on him/her and the misunderstood one who, but for this competition would have ended up in jail.

Needless to say the first few shows will feature the one who is going to be the next "model, reality star, tv presenter, gonna marry me a footballer" who sings worse than me and when she gets kicked off, can't understand why but is gonna show them judges. An aul fellah whose grandkids think he is deadly, some northsider (probably a neighbour of mine) who is a rapid rapper and a karaoke king or queen, who cant sing but gets up every weekend in the local and is everyone favourite.
Throw in a premium rate phone line... coz there has to be one of them so the public can decide who has the best voice at 3 quid a minute, family and friends in the audience wearing thier siblings t-shits a call to arms for the people of Offaly Wexford and the South West to vote for your local hero and all in all were in for a corker of a show.

The lucky winner will get a 1/2 page write up in the RTE Guide probably around page 27 and a 3 minute guest spot on Live at 3 where they will be patronised by the hosts and not get to perform live, but show a 10 second clip of them crying when they are announced the winner.
I'm sure the winner will also be signed up by a major UK/US label and will be challenging for the next Christmas Number 1 single and album and will be gracing the front covers of Q and NME in the coming weeks.

All in all they would be better off bringing back Ireland's Got Talent so the girl with the singing dog, the man who can do bird calls, the father/daughter not creepy at all dirty dancers and the one armed accordion player can be patronised by the judges telling them how they are lifting the nation in these difficult times, when its accepted across the board for the drivel that it is.

So in anyways,
What was the question again?

GEO!